New Mood on Monday

In case any of you were wondering, I didn’t get that job.

Interviewed on the Friday, I felt it went pretty well, until I was woken the following Monday by a standard rejection email advising me that “Whilst we were impressed with your qualifications, we’ve decided to move forward with other applicants whose skills and experience better meet our needs at this time.” Just how you want a Monday to start.

How do I know that’s a standard rejection email? Because I have no actual qualifications for what I do, but I do have 25 years of experience. C’mon guys, tailor the email to the person you’re sending it to. Or just admit you wanted someone younger and more malleable.

And then, to add insult to injury, a few days later I received an email asking me to provide feedback on their recruitment process. So far I have resisted the temptation to simply reply: “Here’s my feedback: fuck off.”

Anyway, I hope my despair will give me some leeway when it comes to this morning’s tune.

In my first year at college, I befriended a lad, Bryan, who lived four doors down the corridor in halls. He fancied himself as a singer, I had a guitar, so we learned a couple of songs. And when I say “a couple”, I literally mean two.

One was Half Man Half Biscuits’s Time Flies By (When You’re the Driver of a Train) from their majestic if scuzzy Back in the D.H.S.S. album.

The other was, well, this:

A Tribe of Toffs – John Kettley (Is a Weatherman)

Look, I know it’s a shite novelty record, but it still brings a smile to these old chops. It’s just a list of mostly Z-list celebrities and a description of what they’re known for (sort of). In that respect, it’s not that far from early Half Man Half Biscuit records (see the sleeve notes on Back in the DHSS if you don’t believe me, although the HMHB ones are waaaay more acerbic). But it’s the out-and-out silliness, from the opening “Ayrton Senna’s got the voice of a tenor…” through to the “…amazing cheese and pickle solo…” and beyond, that I find so endearing.

Even now I find myself waiting to join in with the ‘Johnny Marr, he plays guitar’ line, in much the same way as I do on, say, R.E.M.’s It’s The End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) when it gets to the “Right? Right!” bit. (An ex-girlfriend and I went to see R.E.M. on their Monster tour, and were bemused that nobody near us joined in with that bit. Amateurs.)

John Kettley (Is a Weatherman) somehow managed to reach #21 in the UK charts back in 1988.

No such luck with their follow-up single, which didn’t even graze the top million. Guess who bought it, though? Yup, You guessed. This idiot. In 1989, just as I was busy trying to appear cool at the Indie Club, I was also busy buying records as bad as this (on 12″!!!):

A Tribe of Toffs – Terry Wogan’s on T.V. (Again!)

The No Such Thing as a Guilty Pleasure tag doesn’t apply to the Wogan one, it’s utter shite.

But. In July 2022, Radio X DJ Chris Moyles played John Kettley… on his show and then ‘campaigned’ for his listeners to buy it. It reached number 1 in the UK iTunes chart.

Read into that what you will.

Anyway, leave me alone, I’m sad. Johnny Marr does play guitar, though.

More soon, and not as crap as this, I promise