Happy (Not) Together

It’s that bloody day again.

The day when it’s impossible for singletons like me to meet up with our friends, because they’re all off doing couply things.

Or to just go to the pub, because you’ll end up being the bloke stood at the bar on your own all night, the rest of the nauseating happily coupled-up drinkers nudging each other and nodding with smirking sympathy in your direction.

Which sounds like I’m bitter or sad about being single on this day of all days, but really I’m not. For a start, I haven’t got to fork out for an M&S Valentine’s Meal for Two and a bunch of half-dead roses. Or rather, if I do, I can scoff the whole thing myself and with the money I saved by not buying flowers, I can buy me an extra pudding or three. Yum!

Nor do I have to haul my sorry arse to the local cinema where I’d have to apply gaffer tape my eye lids to keep them open throughout the entirety of whatever unfunny and entirely predictable rom-com has been rushed out just in time for the weekend.

See, being single doesn’t bother me and I really like living on my own. And I know that were this blissful paradise of watching TV in my pants ever to end, I would look back on these halcyon playboy years with dewy-eyed nostalgia, and rue the day I ever got involved with anyone again.

Most of all, I’d miss doing exactly what Sean Lock says he does:

Never has such a short snippet of a stand-up routine resonated with me more.

Which leads me to songs, and I thought I’d post a couple of songs about being happy and single.

Turns out there aren’t too many of them, though. Or rather, none that I recognise. A quick Google search tells me there are some, but they’re by annoyingly young and pretty people who I don’t recognise and definately don’t identify with.

So instead, two of the greatest, to my mind, angry break-up records. Coincidentally, these are both by women, because it’s never their fault, amIrightfellers? (God, I hope you lot can sense irony…)

And speaking of things ironic, here’s bit of angry rudeness with a teensy bit of the effing and jeffing that offends some folk:

Alanis Morrisette – You Oughta Know

Next up, something from Jamie Theakston’s finest moment:

Kelis – Caught Out There

There are, of course, loads of songs about being single and sad and lonely. And since there will doubtless be some of you who, rather than bathe yourself in the glory of freedom today will prefer to wallow in self-pity, here’s one of my favourite songs ever. it’s utterly, gloriously depressing. You’ll love it.

And let it be a reminder to any of you out there who are feeling sad and lonely today, things could be worse: the main character gets jilted at the altar, contemplates suicide and then his family all start dropping dead, allowing him only a moment’s pause to ponder the brutality of grief. It’s brilliant, and in my book one of the finest lyrics ever written:

Gilbert O’Sulivan – Alone Again (Naturally)

You also should have a word with your stylist, though, Gilbert.

Remaining under our single duvet of doom one last time, and speaking of fine lyrics, there’s another songwriter that I greatly admire, and about whom I have written before. The band he was most recently/famously (arguably) in are often derided – I’ve lost count of the amount of times friends have recoiled when looking through my CD collection, gasping “Why have you got records by them….?” – but I’d like to wrap things up today with the final track from their last album that I liked more than half of:

The Beautiful South – Alone

And one more, an obscure B-side (us bloggers love obscure B-sides), one which will leave you with a smile, a look of shock, or more likely disgust. Personally, I think it’s probably the greatest song title ever (Sorry Mum!):

The Beautiful South – Valentine’s Day Wank

Whatever you’re doing this evening – yes, even that – enjoy yourself.

More soon.