Friday Night Music Club Vol 25

After watching, and reminiscing about, the recent Fatboy Slim/Big Beach Boutique documentary on Sky/NOWTV, I was inspired to put together a mix all my own, so you can see how good Norm is and how not-quite as good I am.

Usual disclaimer applies: any poor mixes are down to me (although I think I’ve done alright this time), any skips or jumps are down to the mixing software or the uploading process; all song choices are mine.

Here you go:

Friday Night Music Club Vol 25

And here’s your track-listing, complete with some reminisces of my clubbing years, where some (but not all) names have been changed to protect the innocent:

1. Jip/John Simm – The Weekend Has Landed

Not a song, but a bit of dialogue from the greatest ever film about clubbing, Human Traffic. This is not just a clarion call to all those about to have it large, but, performed by John Simm, it also acts as a callback to that day in Brighton back in 2002. Simm was there as an ordinary punter, but was spotted (so he says) by host of E4‘s coverage Vernon Kaye, who hauled him in front of the cameras for a quick interview. There’s an amusing moment in the aforementioned documentary where Simm, one of several celebrity interviewees, is shown the interview, after which he sheepishly admits he has no recollection of it whatsoever.

2. Crazy Penis – There’s a Better Place

Ignore the dreadful name of the act: I bet you weren’t expecting a tune which samples Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka, right?

Long before I started writing this blog, I had an idea to collate loads of clubbing related stories from my buddies, and weave them into some sort of a narrative. So, I contacted them, and asked for their memories, and a few of them came back to me. This, which has sat in my inbox for over ten years, is one of them, from a mate who was mostly known by a nickname; since he’s now a police officer, I figured it probably best I use neither his real nor his nickname, so for the purposes of this post he shall be referred to as Bully.

Both of his recollections (another will be along shortly) are set in Cardiff’s now defunct The Emporium, a club which I frequented frequently and mention here regularly. It was, quite simply, my favourite club in Cardiff; after it closed down and the regular nights had to find new venues, none of the nights were ever quite the same or anywhere near as good.

To come anywhere near understanding Bully’s reminisce, you first have to have a basic understanding of the layout of The Emporium; located at the top end of St Mary’s Street (the exterior is actually used in Human Traffic as the venue the clubbers are queuing up to get in to), and above a run of shops, after you’d climbed the stairs to the actual venue, gone past the cloakroom and the final line of bouncers (I knew and had worked with their boss many years earlier, so I was never searched for contraband, which was fortuitous for reasons which I imagine you can figure out for yourself), the first room you came into was a chill-out area, with seats and benches around the perimeter, a step to a raised area where a DJ played mostly relaxed beats, a bar, and a spiral staircase leading to The Attic (which may have actually been called The Loft, I forget which after all this years) which was either rammed when it played host to a reasonably well known DJ (as it was when I saw the excellent Plump DJs there) or, mostly, deserted: it was always one or the other, no middle ground. On the other side, was a wooden staircase, with a top step which was notoriously a little bit higher than all the rest: you would see someone trip up it at least two or three times every night. Then you were into the Main Room, complete with podiums which anyone could get on to (before you ask, no I never did).

Anyway, here’s Bully’s recollection about the tune in question: “…this tune seemed like it was always on in the first room as you enter the place – at first it was spinning  me out because of the sample in it but is soo funky i just had to wait for it to finish before going into the Main Room.”

NB: Due to my (failed) attempts to keep this mix to 60 minutes length, I may have mixed this tune into the next a bit early for you to fully appreciate the funkiness to which Bully alludes. My apologies.)

3. Orbital – Chime

This doesn’t really need any introduction or explanation, does it? A ground-breaking classic.

4. Adamski – N.R.G.

I remember this from my days DJing at college, not because of the cover which had a bottle of Lucozade, only with Adamski’s name replacing that of the energy drink, on it, but because at the time I thought it was a bloody awful record, as I did most records from this genre at the time. I’m happy to announce I’ve subsequently changed my mind: it’s bloody marvellous.

5. Alison Limerick – Where Love Lives (Perfecto Remix)

This has featured on these pages before with a wee bon-mot about it’s relevance to me so, since my hands are already hurting from typing, you’ll forgive me for copy and pasting here what I wrote back then (with a couple of additions and amendments):

This got dropped at an Old Skool night; long-time buddy Hel had gone to visit the ladies’ room and managed to get back to us on the dance floor just as this ended and it mixed into the next banger.

This became a recurring theme. The tune didn’t get played that much, but just like you can be sure your team will score the moment you pop to the loo, so it was that you could guarantee that if it did get played, Hel would be otherwise engaged.

And so it became something of a running joke, to the point where, when at home playing tunes, I would often wait until she had just locked the bathroom door, estimated when she would be just taking up position, before skipping to play it. I’m nice like that.

This was particularly annoying for her, as it was one of her favourite tunes.

I don’t think we ever got to dance to it in a club environment together, although a few years ago, Limerick did appear at a mini-festival thing in Brockwell Park, Sarf London. Hel & I were there. Limerick did three songs: her other hit (which I didn’t recognise), a cover version (of something I don’t remember), and of course Where Love Lives – a stone-cold classic if ever I heard one.

6. Junior Jack – E Samba

Although I had it in my head that this was somehow linked to Jon Carter (I was always frequently wrong about this sort of thing, like my head was already too full of useless stuff like chart positions of Quo singles to be able to retain things like which DJ we had just seen, or who did which remix of what tune), but on researching/double-checking this I find that Junior Jack was actually the stage name of Italian DJ Vito Lucente, who was also responsible (under the moniker Room 5 and featuring disco artist Oliver Cheatham on vocals) for the 2003 UK #1 single Make Luv, which I’m sure you’d recognise if you heard it.

Whatever, it’s carnival time, and this is ace.

7. Atlantic Ocean – Waterfall

Another Old Skool classic. Nuff said.

8. Camisra – Let Me Show You

This one features in the Fatboy documentary, as it cropped up in his set; not all the songs did, but this one appeared due to a link to not one but two celebrities who were in attendance that day: Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, they of Cornetto Trilogy (Shaun on the Dead, Hot Fuzz and The World’s End) and Channel 4 slacker sitcom Spaced fame, all of which were directed by Edgar Wright.

There’s a famous (relatively speaking) episode of Spaced where the gang go clubbing, and this song features prominently:

Although my favourite scene is this, where courier/clubber/dealer Tyres (played by the ever brilliant Michael Smiley) visits Tim (Pegg) and Daisy (Jessica Hynes)’s flat, where the slightest rhythmical sounds sets him off ‘on one’:

Anyway, in the Fatboy documentary, Pegg says that he was told the superstar DJ had included this in his set because it had featured in Spaced and because he knew Pegg and Frost were in the crowd that day. (NB: Norm does not verify this.)

9. Heavy Rock – [I Just Want to Be a] Drummer

Back in the early 2000’s (this came out in 2004, I think), there was a whole raft of these sort of tunes whipping up the crowds in clubland; tunes where the vocal was a deep voiced male who spoke the words rather than make any effort to sing. There’s one such tune which I’ve mentioned here before (so won’t bore you with the details again – suffice it to say, it’s a lot ruder than this example) that I’ve never managed to identify or track down. If you think you might be able to help, let me know via either the Comments or, if you’d prefer, at the email address hidden somewhere on this page. Thanks in advance.

In the meantime, one night, quite early on in my clubbing career, towards the end of the night, I found myself sitting on the step in the chill out area I described with tune 2 in tonight’s mix. There are three things I loved about clubbing: the music, the dancing, and, as Jip/John Simm put it in the opening monologue, “…talking cod-shit to strangers.” This should come as no surprise to you. On this occasion, however, I was sitting not with a stranger, but with Gaz, a friend who I remain in touch with to these days, as he’s in my group of London chums. This was, I think, maybe the second or third time I’d met Gaz, and I remember very little of what we talked about (bar some running jokes I had going with some of my mates – usually at their expense – this is not unusual: I remember snatches of conversation, but very rarely entire conversations or who they were with. Some of them will crop up in future posts, I’m sure). But I do remember this highly intellectual exchange:

Me: “You’re a drummer, aren’t you?” (I already knew this to be a fact)

Gaz (looking at me both blankly and confused): Yeh. How do you know that?

Me: Drummer’s arms. You’ve got drummer’s arms.

To this day, I have no idea what I meant by this, but I do think The Drummer’s Arms would be a fine name for a pub.

10. Green Velvet – Flash

Green Velvet has a history of making records which, at first blush, seem to be pro-recreational drug use, but aren’t (see also La La Land which featured in Volume 19 of Friday Night Music Club). This one, which I only ever heard played out once, is generally unsettling.

As I often do, when I can’t quite remember where I was when a tune got played, and/or who played it, I turn to my own personal clubbing history wikipedia, my old mate Dum Dum, who confirmed my suspicion that it got dropped at an outdoor event in Swansea’s Margam Country Park, an event called Escape to the Park (Escape being the name of a chain of clubs, one of of which was located in Swansea, which even professional Welshman Rhod Gilbert describes as “shit…a desperate dump…devoid of any hope…”):

Anyway, within the message I got from Dum Dum confirming the location was this extra bit of info: we were, apparently, in the “….Progressive Arena: Sasha, Steve Lawler, Jan Carbon, Ian Dungey, Darren Emerson, Hybrid and Richard Hitchell. Possible Lawler [dropped it] as he played it a lot.” (See what I mean about him being my own personal clubbing history wikipedia? It’s amazing to me, as he started clubbing and partaking in all the naughtiness the scene provides, many years before I did, so his brain cells should by all rights be fried.)

I remember hearing this tune that day because I also remember turning to Dum Dum and asking “What the fuck is this??”. “Haven’t you heard this before?” was his incerdulous reply. No, Dum Dum, I haven’t, that’s why I’m asking.

Anyhoo, Flash tells of Mr Velvet taking some older generation folks on a guided tour of a club, where he invites them to take photographs of the clubbers indulging in various banned substances. It’s great, if a little unsettling. But perhaps that’s just me, who, when approached by photographers, paid to snap happy dancing clubbers to promote the club night in question, would always tell them to fuck off and that they didn’t have my permission to photograph me. I’ve hated pretty much every photo taken of me, mostly because many of them look like I’m off my tits; the last thing I wanted was photos of me when I actually was out in the public arena.

11. Spektrum – Kinda New (We All Live & Die) (Tiefschwarz Vocal Mix)

As promised, back to a bit of Bully:

“In the main room, for me – the track was Spektrum – Kinda New (Tiefshwarz mix) – this track was the bomb, blew us away everytime. I remember just dancing to this and always peering to see where you are and seeing you grinning back to me when this track was on – I’m sure Lottie played it and it went off!”

12. Zombie Nation – Kernkraft 400

Since the only words spoken in this tune are “Zombie Nation”, many mistakenly think that’s the name of the tune, rather than the artiste performing it.

This tune has a very specific memory for me (I doubt you’ve gotten this far, but if you have: look away now, Mum and Dad): there used to be a bar on Park Place in Cardiff called Inncognitos that I often frequented. Within walking distance of the town centre, it was often used by those on the way into, or on the way home from, town, as a stopping off point. A watering hole, an oasis, if you will.

As well as the main bar, it had a beer garden and a conservatory, the latter of which doubled up as a dancefloor whenever they had a DJ playing. One Sunday, when Cardiff’s Big Weekend (a free-for-all three day event featuring local talent as well as established bands/artistes on the way up or down) was on, and I met with some friends (all of whom shall remain nameless for this bit, for reasons which will soon become apparent) at Inncognitos under the misapprehension that we were having a few beers there before heading to the festival, which was just across the way.

But no. At some point, one of them whispered to me that they were staying there because they had “some pills” and they wanted to dance. A DJ, Radio 1’s Fergie, was playing there later that night (Dum Dum wasn’t there, I remembered that all by myself).

I told them I wasn’t interested, but, a pint or two later and my barriers severely dropped, I asked if I might get in on the action.

The friend who had told me about the class-A’s approached the other two and broke the good news to them: “Jez is up for it!”

“That’s great,” I was subsequently told they replied, “but we’ve only got three. If he wants a cheeky half, who’s going to give it to him?”

I’m also told – apologetically – that the other two made it very clear they were not prepared to surrender half of their already small stash. It was decided that the friend who had told me about the pills, should share his with me (in a sort of “he-who-smelt-it-dealt-it kind of way”).

I remember very little of what happened after that other than: I recognised two girls that I worked with were also there that night, and that I spent much of the rest of the night avoiding them whilst standing to the side of the dancefloor, rubbing my head and taking deep, sharp breaths through a permanently O-shaped mouth.

This was one of the tunes I do remember being played that night.

13. Darude – Sandstorm

And this is another, hence my enormous affection to both.

But before I go any further, I should make it clear that I’m not condoning the use of ecstacy, nor would I wish to encourage the use of it, I’m merely relating what happened when I did,

I fucking loved it.

On later nights out I bumped into both of the girls who were there that first night, and since they both have fairly popular names, I can mention them without fear of any repercussions: Lisa and Rachel. Like an e’d up Tigger, Lisa came bouncing up to me one night to say hello on the dancefloor at The Emporium; Rachel was a little more demure, sliding up to me one night to say hi. We discussed that night in Inncognitos, and, bless her, she told me she didn’t remember seeing me there as she was also off her face, but she thought me rubbing my head etc was very funny and sweet. I met her and her fiance out many times over the next few years, and we often partied hard when I told her it was the occasion of the anniversary of my first drop.

As I said, this is a tune I associate with that first night, but just in case you find it unpalatable, have a watch of this:

14. Who Da Funk Feat. Jessica Eve – Shiny Disco Balls

Just a tune. That is all.

15. Underworld – Two Months Off [King Unique Sunspots Vocal Mix]

Ditto. I love Underworld, and the original mix of this, but this version knocks the [sun] spots off that.

16. The Streets – Weak Become Heroes (Ashley Beedle’s Love Bug Vocal)

To end things, the most perfect description of clubbing ever committed to record, including that ‘talking-cod-shit-to-strangers’ stuff I mentioned earlier.

For those of you not in the know, Ashley Beedle is one part of X-Press 2, who, without wishing to sound all ‘look-at-me-I-know-what-I’m-talking-about’, you will know from their Lazy single with Talking Heads’ David Byrne providing vocals.

The original version, which appears on The Streets’ Original Pirate Material album is already brilliant, but here it’s made even more brilliant here by Beedle.

That’s yer lot.

More soon.

Friday Night Music Club

Postponed from last week, as this edition is the very antithesis of a recent “indie guitars only” mix – it’s off to Da Club, and I thought some might find it disrespectful had I posted something encouraging you folks to dance on what was supposed to a very sombre weekend.

I ummd and ahhd about whether to include sleeve notes with each track, or simply write about an experience I had during my clubbing days, but I’m nowhere near drunk enough for the latter, so sleeve notes it is. Don’t worry, the story will keep for another day.

So, as this week’s playlist is one where I have to actually mix the tunes, I should probably blow the dust of the old disclaimer: any shonky mixes are down to me (listening back, it actually sounds ok, although one tune clearly ends a lot more abruptly than expected); any skips or jumps are down to the mixing software or the uploading process; all song choices are mine.

Right, get your dancing trousers on. We’re off:

Friday Night Music Club Vol 19

1. Simian Mobile Disco – Cream Dream

I wanted to start off with a tune which fades in, and what better way than with this tune, with Super Furry Animals main man Gruff Rhys on vocals. Lifted from one of my favourite records of the last – *checks notes* This came out WHEN?? – erm, 13 years, Temporary Pleasures. It’s a must-own album, in my book.

2. Jon Carter – Go Down

First of two appearances this week from the former Mr Sara Cox. I seem to remember this having trouble getting clearance for the vocal sample; listening to it now, whilst I can totally see what he was trying to do with the sample, I’m not sure it completely works. That said, I can personally attest that when it got dropped at around 2am in The Emporium, played by Carter himself, and when it was still a work in progress well…when the breakdown happens and that vocal sample kicks in, I can assure you it sounded magnificent.

3. Happy Mondays – 24 Hour Party People (Jon Carter’s Acid Vocal)

Carter Part 2. This starts off sounding like it’s going to be Leftfield’s Phat Planet until Shaun WIlliam Ryder’s vocals echo out; a mix I will forever associate with Llŷr, for we were once just leaving the dancefloor at The Emporium when that vocal boomed out – and, as you will hear, until that happens there is not one clue as to what the track is going to be (so apologies for the spoiler), for Carter has stripped away the distinctive keyboard stabs from the original and replaced the wonky bassline with a whole load of acid-y squelches, bleeps and boings. We both turned at the same time, eyes and mouths wide in surprised delight, and raced each other back to strut our stuff.

4. Green Velvet – La La Land

Now, it’s no great secret just how Ryder and his band of baggy brothers achieved partying for (at least) 24 hours, and this tune starts off sounding like it’s going down the same route, extolling the virtues of “those little pills” until that killer line “until they kill a million brain cells”. A tune which I shall forever associate with my old mate Dum Dum, for reasons which are probably fairly self-explanatory, but which I’m certainly not going to discuss here.

5. Soulwax – E-Talking

For once, a Soulwax tune which isn’t a Soulwax remix. This is from their truly wonderful Nite Versions album, which contains duffers not one. We’re getting dangerously close to a theme here, what with the “It’s not you, it’s the E talking” refrain. A bona fide banger (as are the next few choons).

6. FC Kahuna – Nothing is Wrong

Speaking of wonderful albums, this is lifted from one which is always criminally overlooked, often forgotten, some might say: 2002’s Machine Says Yes. Lyrically, it answers the question about why people go clubbing: “…to stop myself from bouncing off the walls”. Lovely stuff.

7. Narcotic Thrust – Safe From Harm (K-Klass Remix)

I know no more about and own nothing else by Narcotic Thrust than this; the original mix is ok, but Welsh wizards K-Klass’ remix elevates this one to a position of greatness, giving it a funky-as-fuck bassline you simply can’t help but shake your bits to. Turn it up loud and feel that bassline.

8. Plump DJs – The Funk Hits The Fan

Speaking of wonderful albums (as I was, a few minutes ago, remember?) here’s another which is often forgotten and criminally overlooked: Plump DJs 2003 belter Eargasm. I once had the pleasure of catching these perform live, upstairs in the Attic at The Emporium in Cardiff, a room I was more used to seeing half empty but on this occasion it was absolutey rammed and the crowd were going totally wild for them. Assuming you still have it turned up loud from Narcotic Thrust, I defy you to resist the bassline on this one. Magnetic. (Oh, and as previously stated, apologies for the abrupt ending…but if Peelie could get away with it, so can I…)

9. Fake Blood – Fix Your Accent

Tremendous fun, this one. This was going to be their eardrum shattering Mars, until I listened to this and the intro reminded me of something, so Fix Your Accent got added and Mars got bumped to work, rest and play another day.

10. Spiller – Groovejet (If This Ain’t Love)

The start of this tune is what I was reminded of by the start of the last. It’s always nice to bring things to a conclusion with something everyone knows. This, of course, features daughter of a Blue Peter presenter, look what she made earlier, Sophie Ellis- Bexter, who at the time had just left largely unsuccesful indie-wannabe’s theaudience (as they insisted on spelling it) and she was yet to embark on her immensely succesful solo pop career. I’m sure I remember reading an interview with her before Groovejet came out, saying how much she hated dance music, but I’m buggered if I can find it again, or indeed any reference to it, on the t’internet now. Anyway, assuming my recollection is sound (“…until they kill a million brain cells…”), then her beliefs went out the window the moment she got invited to provide the vocals for this #1 smasheroo, and indeed for the rest of her musical career. A place in the Cabinet surely awaits.

11. Ibibio Sound Machine – Something We’ll Remember

Something relatively new! I featured this lot a month or so ago elsewhere on these pages, and since then I’ve grown to love their Electricity album even more. Which, given the involvement of some of Hot Chip is hardly surprising.

12. Mansun – Wide Open Space (Perfecto Mix)

And to round things off – and it’s always nice to bring things to a conclusion with something everyone knows – here’s Paul Oakenfold doing what he does, which is either enhancing an indie favourite and introducing it to a whole new audience, or totally ruining a perfectly good tune by sticking beats and synths all over it, depending on which side of the fence you’re sitting. Me? I’m on the enhancing side. Just.

Anyway, that’s yer lot for this week. Hope you enjoy it.

More soon.

Fair Play

Long time visitors to my little corner of the interweb may recall that I used to write a series, raging against the use of songs I love in adverts.

Sometimes though, you have to tip your hat in the direction of the advertisers because they’ve got their song selection absolutely bang on.

Conceding ground is made so much easier when they’ve chosen a song I didn’t care much for in the first place, of course.

Although sometimes you do have to wonder: what took you so long to use this song in your ad?

A case in point: in the last 8 – 12 months or so (I think, it may just not have crossed my radar before then), a well-known domestic cleaning product manufacturer has suddenly started using this song in their ads:

Queen – Flash

Let’s be honest, it’s a dreadful song from a dreadful movie. Frankly, it’s befitting that it has ended up being associated with mopping up spillages and general grot.

I’d have been much more impressed if they somehow managed to crowbar this, one of the most unsettling dance records I’ve ever heard played “out”, into their ads:

Green Velvet – Flash (Original Remastered)

And there’s another advert doing the rounds at the moment where I have to admit they’ve picked precisely the right record and, fortuitously, it’s another one that I’ve never had any time for either.

I mean, when you’re the largest chain of Scottish-sounding burger joints in the world, and you’ve had to close due to that there pesky pandemic, once you’re allowed to start reopening your “restaurants” – apparently the notorious litigants get upset if you describe what they serve junk or fast food, which is funny because whenever I’ve been in one (and you’ll be shocked to learn that I have) the service is rarely fast and the food is (The end of this joke has been removed for legal reasons – Ed.) – what else are you going to choose to soundtrack the advert which triumphantly heralds such joyous news, than this:

Mark Morrison – Return of the Mack

Fair play to them. I can’t fault that.

But it seems their days adding pithy pop tracks to their adverts are numbered, because last weekend, our glorious leader (sense the tone…) Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Wiff Waff Is-This-What-You-Meant-Dominic? Johnson announced plans to ban advertising junk food on good, honest, decent British televisions before 9pm. Not, as I say, that the company I’m talking about (you’ll have noticed I’m being very careful not to actually say their name, right?) consider themselves to be purveyors of junk food. I mean, a slice of pickled gherkin definitely counts as at least one of your Five-a-Day, even if most people do leave it on the side.

The ban will be accompanied by a £10 million advertising campaign, designed to encourage the population to eat more healthily, and exercise more.

If they have any sense, they’ll have Simon Evans doing the voice-over; he sounds as English as can be, and is very funny indeed, especially when talking about being overweight (he gets there eventually, but I’d recommend you watch the whole clip):

Anyway, the reason behind this new Government-backed health-drive is two-fold, it turns out.

Firstly, it’s thought that, as a nation, we’ve picked up poor dietary habits during lockdown, and need a bit of a nudge to get ourselves back on the straight and narrow. Well, I’ve got news for our leaders: I was overweight before lockdown, and I’m even more overweight now. Not because the quality of what I eat has drastically deteriorated – my diet has remained more or less the same throughout – but because now, bored and unable to leave the flat with anything like the regularity I used to, I eat more. You know, just to have something to do.

Secondly, obesity has been identified as one of factors likely to lead to people catching the virus. Those interfering busy-bodies at Public Health England – the sort of experts we’re supposed to be tired of, according to rubber-faced goon Michael Gove – have published a report into the impact of obesity on people with Covid-19, wherein they say that the case for action has “never been stronger”. The report shows that the risks of hospitalisation, intensive care treatment and – Yikes! – death all “seem to increase progressively with increasing BMI (body mass index) above the healthy weight range”.

And that’s me, folks. I only have to wander in the general vicinity of my local GP and I have abuse hurled at me for being “fat”, and that’s not just the surly youths from the local estate, that’s my actual GP, opening a window to shout at me. He probably feels the shudders as I approach, or spots the ripples in his glass of water, like that bit in Jurassic Park when the kids are trapped in the car.

(This will make you feel old: that came out 27 years ago.)

When I lived in Cardiff, the bloke who worked in the kebab shop around the corner from where Llŷr and I used to live would wave at me as I walked past his frontage, which is just the opposite end of the same stick, I guess.

Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine – Surfin’ USM

(No, I’m not going to explain that song’s apparantly unrelated appearance, you’ll just have to listen to it.)

Just as the anti-maskers held a rally in London the other weekend, protesting at the perceived attack on their civil liberties as the locations where one must wear a face covering increased, while at the same time displaying their stupidity at not understanding the reason for wearing a face mask is to protect them and people they come into contact with, I did toy with the idea of organising a similar demo for us fatties, but let’s be honest, we’d all be shagged out after walking up the stairs from the tube station, so there’s not much point.

Last weekend, Johnson said: “I’m not normally a believer in nannying, or bossing type of politics. But the reality is that obesity is one of the real co-morbidity factors.

Losing weight is, frankly, one of the ways that you can reduce your own risks from Covid.”

So at this point, I was genuinely thinking: fair play. That – the banning of junk food ads, the encouragement to lead a healthier diet – is a good thing. And that’s me saying that, and you’ve probably have noticed I’m not the biggest fan of Johnson or any of his inept cronies.

And then I thought about it for a bit.

Although I have exaggerated for supposedly comic purposes, I can’t remember the last time I went to see my GP and he didn’t tell me that I need to lose weight.

Johnson, you will recall, was admitted to hospital earlier this year, having, we are told (and I’m not getting into the whole conspiracy idea that he didn’t really have it) displayed the symptoms of Covid-19. When he was in there, he would almost definitely have been told he needed to lose weight.

He was discharged in March.

Why has it taken him until now, four months later, to come out with this advice?

Surely, immediately after being discharged would have been the optimum point to hoik a thumb in the direction of the hospital and say: “You know what? They gave me some great advice in there”, or whatever the Latin (or Twattin, as it’s referred to in my house whenever he or Rees-Moog uses it) for that is.

And then, on Thursday night, mouth-breather and Health Secretary Matt Hancock made this four-part announcement. On Twitter. You know, like Deranged Donald does:

Now then.

There’s one phrase in that which troubles me. Can you spot it?

This one: “The spread is largely due to households meeting and not abiding to social distancing….”

Add that to the sudden rush to identify the clinically and morbidly obese as prime Covid targets, and the whiff of “It’s not our fault, it’s yours for not following the guidelines.” starts to filter under the nostrils.

These are the guidelines which say it’s absolutely fine to, say, go to the pub with members of your household/bubble, as long as you don’t go with other households, and observe social distancing when you’re there. As if the consumption of alcohol will have no effect whatsoever on who you interact with, and how far you stand from them.

And the same guidelines which say you can visit someone from within the same family/bubble, but you can’t go into their house or stay with them.

I think.

There’s a really good article in, of all places, the Financial Times which addresses this. I could quote from it endlessly, or you can jut read it yourself here.

Confused? You won’t be! (honest)

So if people are not following the Goverment guidelines, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are doing so willingly. Sure, a very small percentage of anti-maskers may be, but generally – and I appreciate I’m going out on limb here – generally, people don’t want to die. So if the Government guidelines are not being followed, perhaps it’s time to look at those guidelines, and stop churning out contradictory and confusing directives.

In essence: don’t blame us because you can’t do your job.

I’ll just cough the words *herd immunity* and *second wave* and leave you with this:

Blancmange – Don’t Tell Me

More soon.

The Chain #45

And so, the return of the series which more than any other, when a song I don’t recognise has popped up on my iPod when on shuffle has made me go “What the feck is this…?” (sometimes in a nice way, often not).

Yes, it’s the very long awaited (be modest, it says here – Ed) return of the greatest thing on the internet (oh, don’t bother then – Ed): The Chain. And hopefully The Chain Gang are all assembled, like slightly nerdy versions of The Avengers, except all hot, bothered, and ready to rock and maybe even ‘n’ roll a bit too.

For the unitiated, this is the series where I blatantly nick an idea off Radcliffe & Maconie on BBC 6Music, and ask for suggestions for songs linked to the next in a series of songs. But here’s the rub: free from the constraints of time and the length of a radio programme, instead of picking just one, I’ll post all of them, then ask for suggestions linked to the next in the official series. This way, we (ok, probably just me) gets a hell of a diverse playlist to while away our days, and a whole lot more fun than usual compiling it.

And did I mention there are points to be earned?

Well, yes there are. Totally meaningless points; you won’t be winning a prize or anything, but points nonetheless. And here’s how your suggestion can win them:

Correct Guess: 3 points (fairly self-explanatory, this one – guess the song which is the next in the official 6Music sequence and these could be yours)

Double Linker: 2 points (for a suggestion which works on two levels, and definitely not a sex toy)

Showboater of the Week: 2 points (for the most convaluted link between the source record and your choice)

Worst/Cheesiest Suggestion of the Week: 1 point (again, I would hope this category needs no further expansion).

Up until this reboot, points have been awarded and then discarded, but whilst the series has been laid off, I’ve gone through all the old posts and where I have specifically said that points were being awarded, I have totted them all up and will continue to do so. And if you don’t believe my accuracy, go ahead, check for yourself, my stats could do with a boost.

So we’ll start off by having a look at the league table as it stands

1:  George             17
2:  Swiss Adam         13
3:  Alyson             9
4=: Charity Chic       8
    The Robster        8
6=: The Swede          7
    SWC/Badger         7
8=: Dirk               6
    Rigid Digit        6
10= Alex G             5
    Martin             5
    The Great Gog      5
13= GM Free            3
    Jules              3
    Kay                3
    Rol                3
17  The Beard          2

And so George would appear to be the Liverpool FC of the group, romping into a twenty-two four point lead as he has, although it should be noted that at least one of the point-winning categories was invented as a result of a particularly breath-taking bit of bullshit linkage by him way back in the day.

So where were we? Oh yes – asking for your links to this record:

Pulp – Sorted For E’s & Wizz

Now I figured this was a really easy way to restart the series: just send me any song which has some sort of drug reference involved. Pop music, and music in general, is quite literally littered with them.

Look, here’s one, and it seems a particularly appropriate place to start:

E-Zee Possee – Everything Starts With an E

Or there’s this little beauty:

Soulwax – E Talking

(Choon!)

And here’s another one (sort of):

Junior Jack – E Samba

Or even this:

The Fall – Whizz Bang

See? Easy this, innit?

I only mention this because I was somewhat underwhelmed by the amount of suggestions I received this time. I’m putting this down to two things: firstly, the amount of time it’s been since the last post in this series, and secondly, me moving the suggestions to email rather than via the Comments Section.

I think the latter is the biggie here, so screw it, we’ll go back to suggestions via the Comments at the end of the post again.

I had a bit of a moan about this to Kay at work the other day, as she hadn’t suggested anything – not behaviour fitting of someone equal 13th in the league table of dreams, I’m sure you’ll agree.

Her response was that she couldn’t think of anything other than the theme tune to Wizbit.

In case you’re confused, or one of those annoying young people, or both, Wizbit was a 1980s children’s TV show about a magic alien, shaped apparently like a wizard’s hat, but to these eyes as a fully unpeeled Dairylea triangle:

Wizbit Theme Tune

Yes, that is Paul Daniels you can hear in that, and that’s why Kay immediately earns herself a point for sort of suggesting by far and away the worst song of the week.

See, easy this, innit?

Although I figure a spoiler alert is needed at this point: nobody guessed the correct next record in the Official Chain, so there will be no points awarded there.

But let’s see what the rest of you have suggested and I think this time around, I’ll just take them in the order I received them.

First out of the blocks was The Robster:

“One song sprang immediately to mind. It’s not obscure, it’s not clever, it’s bleedin’ obvious really but a great track nonetheless:”

Queens of the Stone Age – Feel Good Hit of the Summer

That, right there, is your actual I-Spy book for party drugs. Have you ticked them all off yet? Well don’t (I am contractually obliged to say) because drugs are bad.

Next up is Charity Chic‘s suggestion:

“I’ll break you in gently by going for Gee Whiz (Look at His Eyes) by Carla Thomas”

Carla Thomas – Gee Whiz (Look at His Eyes)

Eyes like saucers, mate, he’s off his nut.

And now things get tricky, for the next email I received was from Jules and it contained a YouTube link. This one:

…which I assume is meant to be an allegory for the Phoenix from the flames that is The Chain, or example of the worst porn on earth. Hard to tell with Jules, to be honest.

So whilst we dwell on that, here’s George, who any moment now will have the word POINTS! ringing in his ears:

“The last song was by Pulp, whose front man was Jarvis Cocker, which leads to Joe Cocker, so I suggest Delta Lady. In another connection, both men are from Sheffield.”

Joe Cocker – Delta Lady

POINTS for a double linker!

And now I’ll hand the reins over to the newest member of The Chain Gang, Pat, who gives me several thoroughly decent suggestions, although I’ll need to explain this first one a little.

The E in the title of the Pulp song refers to Ecstacy, a party/clubbing drug also referred to colloquially as “pills”, for that is the form in which they are swallowed (as opposed to smoked, injected or sniffed). Who needs Susie Dent, amIright Countdown fans?

Anyway, over to Pat:

“Linking to E’s……”:

The Imposter AKA Elvis Costello – Pills and Soap

If I might interupt for a moment, this seems as good an opportunity as any to wheel out an old catchphrase.

Ahem.

Well, if you’re having that, then I’m having this:

Green Velvet – La La Land

Right. As you were. Back to Pat. Pat? Pat?? Paaaaaaaat?

Ahem. Anyway. Next up on Pat’s playlist is this, which he justifies thusly: “…linking to drugs in general….”

David Peel & The Lower East Side – Everybody’s Smoking Marijuana

I’m glad you made that distinction, because the drug referenced in that song is more likely to make you visit an all night garage to buy a Twix or a pastry product at 4:00 am than it is to lead to illicit dancing…

And, since I’ve mentioned all night garages:

Half Man Half Biscuit – Twenty Four Hour Garage People

(I plumped for that version just so we could all all hear Peel’s slightly befuddled voice at the end, which momentarily makes my day brighter whenever it happens.)

And that, inevitably, leads me here:

Happy Mondays – Twenty Four Hour Party People

But I digress. Back to Pat’s suggestions, and I promise not to stick my hoofing great oar in this time.

“”…“from a [Creation] compilation ‘Sorted, Snorted & Sported’ link to the word sorted and a great version of the New Order song”!:

The Times – Lundi Bleu

And finally from the font of Pat, this, which he justifies as follows:

“…linked to a night out that doesn’t quite work out as planned….”

…which doesn’t sound like any night I ever had on E’s or Whizz, but you can’t choose your friends, can you? (Or is that what they say about family….I forget….)

Leyton Buzzards – Saturday Night Beneath The Plastic Palm Trees

Now, have you ever found yourself wondering whether your favourite bloggers prefer their orange juice smooth or with the bits, as I believe it’s technically referred to on most packaging, left in? Well, wonder no longer, for here’s Alyson from What’s It All About to answer that nagging doubt for you:

“There is Pulp in Orange Juice (and I usually prefer mine with it left in). Will therefore go for the band Orange Juice and the obvious song, Rip It Up.”

Orange Juice – Rip It Up

Over to Rol of My Top Ten fame next, who, seemingly under the misapprehension that I’d be writing this up quickly, wrote this:

“Up against the clock this weekend, so going with the first remotely decent song I could think of and not going to stretch the grey matter too much.”

Bran Van 3000 – Speed

I invited Rol, as I think I did to all who submitted suggestions, to feel free to send more, and sure as eggs is eggs, he came back with the following:

“…whizz is an example of onomatopoeia…”

Whoa, there tiger! A clarification is required here: although not in the context we are talking about whizz – I’ve never known a drug to make any kind of noise, onomatopoeiac or otherwise, although I’ve made a fair few odd ones when ingesting the same – think Billy Whizz from The Beano and you get where Rol is coming from.

“…so you could have the song with that name by either John Prine…”

John Prine – Onomatopeia

“…or Todd Rundgren”, he climaxed.

Todd Rundgren – Onomatopoeia

Over now to The Great Gog, who frankly had me flummoxed by the very matey tone of his email, which came from someone called Dave. A quick explanation later and needless to say we all saw the funny side, and he came up with not one but two suggestions.

Floor’s yours The Great Gog/Dave:

“I’ve always been intrigued by the line: ‘Mother, I can never come home again ‘cause I seem to have left an important part of my brain somewhere in a field in Hampshire’.

Basically, why Hampshire? I can’t think of any other song that mentions it by name, although two of its cities have been the subject of Top 5 hits.’

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why The Chain exists: not so you can propose songs you like by some contrived link you’ve struggled to come up with (although, that’s fine if you do, hence the Showboating award), but to suggest songs which link to the source material, regardless of whether they’re any good or not.

The New Vaudeville Band – Winchester Cathedral

Mike Oldfield – Portsmouth

I’m having awful flashbacks to “Country Dancing” lessons at Junior School because of that last one.

Oh hang on, it gets worse: post-school, voluntary, “Country Dancing” lessons.

My, how I’ve changed.

Quick, before anyone notices, I’ll hand the reins over to Rigid Digit of Stuff & Nonsense infamy:

“The obvious choice here is…”

It’s obvious, it’s not their finest moment, but it’s still great:

The Shamen – Ebeneezer Goode

“But … I don’t do obvious…”, Rigid contines, “so my suggestion is…:

Tony Christie – I Did What I Did For Maria

Why’s that, Mr Digit?

“Why? Pulp front-bloke Jarvis Cocker co-wrote Walk Like A Panther for All Seeing I. Jarvis has said that the song was written specifically for Tony Christie to sing, and he was instrumental in getting Christie on-board – even flying out to Spain to meet him and convince him.”

Oh go on, then. Don’t mind if I do. (I’m trying out new catchphrases):

The All Seeing I – Walk Like a Panther

Now, you’ll recall that we left Jules from Music From Magazines hanging with an odd Dallas clip. Shortly after receiving that, Jules sent me an actual suggestion, which…well, since it wasn’t by Lambchop, as Jules’ suggestions usually are, let’s just say it took some deciphering.

But we got there in the end, despite Jules’ insistance not to bother, and here we go:

The Clash – The Right Profile

…which is included because of the lyric: “Go out and get me another roll of pills.” I think.

Sorry George, we almost made it.

And finally, as they used to say on The Two Ronnies, one last contribution from The Great Gog, who is still wittering on about Hampshire:

“The rather marvellous British Sea Power popped up on random play and the song referenced a field in a county adjacent to Hampshire – I’m guessing it is potentially unique. Said county was Wiltshire and the track was….”

British Sea Power – It Ended On An Oily Stage

Which seems far too classy a way to bow out, so let’s end as we began, if for no other reason than it will look like I know what I’m doing, with a supplementary conversation with Kay.

“What about ‘Magic E’?” she said, which isn’t exactly the kind of proposition one expects from their boss.

Turns out she was talking about this, of which I have no memory whatsoever:

Magic E (Look & Read)

Wait a minute. I recognise that voice. That’s your actual 70s/80s TV kids presenter/legend Derek Griffiths, isn’t it?

Here’s what Wikipedia has to say on the subject:

A popular song was “Magic E”, originally written in the mid-70s for Words and Pictures to demonstrate the silent E and the change in pronunciation of preceding vowels — for example: “cap” becomes “cape” with me, “tap” becomes “tape” with me. The song’s simple lyrics about changing the words with “magic E” were memorable and simple to learn.

And then:

“…most of the songs were sung by Derek Griffiths.”

Which means I can end on a note much more befitting of the nonsense that goes on here:

Cole & Griffiths – Heads & Tails

And that’s yer lot.

Except, of course, to reveal the identity of the next record in the official Chain, chosen because Pulp frontman Jarvis Cocker once caused a bit of a fuss at the Brit Awards. So did frontman Danbert Nobacon.

Who’s Danbert Nobacon, I hear you ask.

Well, he’s in this band, and this is the next song in The Chain:

Chumbawamba – Tubthumping

So, you’re suggestions please for songs which link to Tubthumping by Chumbawamba, along with a brief explanation of the link, either by email to dubioustaste26@gmail.com or via the Comments section at the bottom, whichever you prefer.

More soon.

Saturday Night Coming Up

Hands up who’s enjoying the Conservative Party electoral contest?

Ah, yes, I appreciate asking such a question is much the same as asking this:

See, putting aside the inevitable conclusion that Boris Johnson is going to be our next Prime Minister – although events over the past couple of days may (I think it unlikely, given the right wing reaction to the Mark Field incident) change things a little – it’s been the X-Factor for people who are interested in politics.

It’s the audition round! And welcome to the stage Esther McVey! She has an interesting back story in that nicest woman on UK TV (if you ignore the stuff about her tax arrangements) Lorraine Kelly hates her.

Desperate to get throught to the judges houses, all of the other candidates appeal to the common, oh-so common, working classes by divulging stories about their previous drug useage, the message being that they’re just ordinary people, sure they’ve done stuff they regret, but they’ve faced up to and beaten their problems.

Dominic Raab: admitted to taking cannabis as a student. To be fair, he probably didn’t realise it had maybe been imported through Dover, since as Minister for Brexit he “did not quite understand” the UK’s reliance on Dover as a trade route.

Rory Stewart: confessed that at a wedding in Afghanistan he had smoked opium (that’s heroin, to the likes of you and me). Which explains why he thought he was holding a phone in those videos he kept posting;

Matt Hancock: didn’t admit it, but sources close to him revealed he had tried cannabis “a few times as a student”;

Popular inadvertant rhyming slang Jeremy Hunt: “thinks” he had a cannabis lassi when he went back-packing through India. (N.B. “Thinks??” And what the effing eff is a lassi?)

Andrea Leadsom: advised that she had smoked cannabis at university. I was a bit disappointed by this, as I was looking forward to hearing about her being in a K-Hole on a family (she’s got children, you know!) day out at Cadbury World. Alas it was not to be.

Michael Gove: admitted to taking cocaine on “numerous occasions” when he was a journalist. If ever there was an anti-drugs advert waiting to be made, it’s that if you take drugs you too could end up just as awful as Gove with an awful wife who writes vile bile in the awful Daily Mail.

And then there’s Boris.

Now, I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but Boris hasn’t been entirely consistent in his answers on this front. I know, that’s not like him, right?

In a 2005 edition of Have I Got News For You he said: “I think I was once given cocaine, but I sneezed and so it did not go up my nose. In fact, I may have been doing icing sugar.”

Boris seems to have got himself all mixed up with Woody Allen in Annie Hall, which given both of their questionable sexual morals, perhaps shouldn’t be such a surprise:

But then in 2007, inexplicably and totally out of character for him to contradict himself, Johnson admitted to taking cocaine and cannabis at university but that they “achieved no pharmacological, psychotropic or any other effect on me whatsoever”.

Oh Boris, Boris, Boris. There’s only two explanations for that; either you’re too stupid to work out how to smoke or snort, or you spout so much bullshit it’s impossible to tell druggy Johnson from the straight one. I’m not sure which is worse.

But I digress, because I sense some of you may be wondering why I’m banging on about the Conservative Party leadership process in a series where I traditionally tell a clubbing related story.

And the answer is this: I’ve always felt a little conflicted about writing these posts, partly because I do not wish to be seen to be encouraging or endorsing recreational drug use – which is a dangerous and often dumb thing to do – but mostly because I was concerned about any legal ramifications which might arise from my stories.

But now I think, what the hell: if leading Tory MPs, including the next Prime Minister, can admit to taking illegal substances in the past with no consequences, then all I have to do is screw over the NHS and make sure a totally innocent UK citizen remains in a prison in Iran and I’ll be fine.

I’ll work on that.

In the meantime, a tune which will forever remind me of my clubbing mate Dum-Dum. Whilst I was still popping pills like Smarties, he decided he didn’t need them anymore, which is entirely admirable.

But.

On occasion, about an hour after I’d dropped, as we danced next to each other, Dum-Dum would look enviously at me and ask if I was coming up yet. Invariably the answer was a resounding “yes”.

And then about half an hour later, he would crumble and ask if I had any spares.

Time for a tune which at first listen seems to be about how great recreational drugs are, but closer listening reveals it to be the complete opposite:

Green Velvet – La La Land

Can I be Prime Minister now please?

More soon.