The Election Section #10

Okay, so my analysis.

Firstly, let me say I’m not an ungracious loser. The Tories won, fair and square. I can accept it, but it doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it.

Here’s why, I think:

1. Miliband’s handling of the SNP question. I think he got this wrong. I understand why he felt the need to say he had “fundamental differences” with the SNP which prevented him from going into coalition with them; he wanted to seem firm and decisive in the face of the Tory assertion that a Lab/SNP would be bad for the UK.

But why rule it out entirely? We all knew the only way Ed was going to get in was in coalition with someone. So to say he had fundamental differences with the SNP as opposed to with anyone else, makes no sense. Surely, you have fundamental differences with all of the other parties, Ed? Tackle the Tory position rather than the SNP, Ed.

Ed – your reluctance to hold out an olive branch to Scotland cost you dearly (coupled with Point 2). Link that with Scotland’s general contempt for Labour’s association with the Better Together campaign, and you can see why you lost so much support North of the Border. And once you lost that….well, you were screwed. In the same way you would have been if they had gone independent. Natch.

2. Cameron’s handling of the SNP question. Fair play, he played this pretty well, deflecting everything to a negative portrayal of a Labour/SNP pact. I’m not convinced such a pact would have been such a bad thing, but the public bought that it would have been, hook line and sinker. Twats.

3. The Russell Brand effect. I genuinely think the chat with RB was a good thing. It would’ve engaged a lot of disenfranchised younger voters, and RB’s endorsement would’ve done him bucket loads of good. Now, I don’t think all of RB’s followers would have blindly refused to register to vote. But some of them will have. So if you’re aiming for those people not going to vote (as you must have been, just to do the interview), then do it BEFORE the cut off date to register to vote had passed. By the time they actually did the interview, those who has listened to RB’s call to abstain were too late to register – so the whole exercise was pointless. 3 weeks earlier and it could have made a difference.

4. The TV Debates. Generally, Ed did ok. He came across as firm and determined – but he also did so at the wrong point. I’ve already discussed the SNP situation, but it didn’t end there, His refusal to admit Labour had over-spent cost him dearly. We all know they did. And he’s admitted as much before: mistakes were made. But his answer to that bloke who he was “not going to convince” didn’t convince anyone.

5. Ed Balls. No one likes him. No one is sorry he lost his seat.

6. The Tablet of Stone. Jesus wept, who thought of this? Fire them, now. This has Perfect Curve written all over it. They have spoiled their own ballot paper, never let them near a political party again.

7. The Barbie Bus. Oh for fuck sake. Insult the intelligence of 50% the electorate, why don’t you?

8. The crushing of the Lib Dems and UKIP. Nobody wanted to be seen to supporting either of these, for vastly different reasons. The Lib Dems because of the whole tuition fees thing, from which they have never recovered; UKIP just because they’re UKIP.

8. And the fucking Press. Scare-mongered into voting for one of the main parties by the mostly right-wing press, our beautiful populace panicked and voted Blue. And I don’t just mean the Murdoch-owned monopoly: the Evening Standard’s front page on Wednesday was frankly disgusting right-wing penis swinging machismo, which I’m proud to note most of us Londoners paid no attention to. But this was just a reflection of how the rest of the press was going.

7. Failure to monopolise. Frankly, if Dermot Murnaghan can make Cameron look like the lying tit we all know he is when he forgets which football team he claims to have supported since he was a kid and you can’t, you don’t deserve to win. Much like West Ham/Aston Villa (delete as applicable)

8. Just….Ed. I’m sorry to say it, but I don’t think anyone ever really bought into Ed Miliband being a credible leader. The bacon sandwich. The falling off the stage on the TV broadcast. The “Hell Yeh”s. None of this speaks of leadership qualities. Not that many people think Cameron is any more credible, he’s just a shiny faced posh boy, but him having been in position for 5 years means he didn’t have to out-credential Ed. Oh Ed. I’m sure you and your two kitchens are lovely, but, Milibrands apart nobody was going to buy you as a leader. Don’t get me wrong: I’m sure his heart was in the right place, that he truly wanted to lead a red revolution. Just….sorry, Ed, but you were too Ed.

So some songs to sum this up.

This springs to mind:

though I don’t feel fine.

This is me being gracious in defeat.

Kind of.

And I bloody hate this lot:

but an FC Kahuna remix is always a thing of beauty, and the title is apt, if nothing else (lap it up, I’ll never post anything by these stripy-topped, turn-up wearing, moustache waxing Shoreditch-ites again)

And, since we’re in this fucking situation, the least you can do is go here and try to save the NHS. Don’t swallow Cameron’s “my son was really ill and I owe the NHS everything” shit, the NHS is in real danger. He left his other kid in a pub garden, such is his love and care for his reptilian offspring.

Ahem. Deep breaths.

Normality will be restored soon here, if not in the real world.