S.S.O.S. (Stop Spoiling Our Songs)

Stop right there, Mr Ad Man!

You’ve gone too far this time.

Whose wretched idea was it to butcher an absolute stone cold classic to try and convince us into releasing our equity (whatever that means)?

And by “absolute stone cold classic” I mean this, of course:

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Bernard Cribbins – Right Said Fred

I not just indignant about the appropriation of this wonderful record (and it isa wonderful record, and if you disagree, then you’re not allowed to carry on reading) to try us lure us into murky financial shenanigans, but because the use of it just makes no sense whatsoever, even if they have changed the words to fit the sales pitch.

Here’s why: pretty much everybody in the UK knows the original. It’s a song which many of us heard as kids on radio shows like Junior Choice with Ed “Stewpot” Stewart; it’s a song which is engrained into our very fibre, our very being. Changing the words does not make us forget all of that, it makes us think about the original Right Said Fred, or about our youths, or sometimes we even can’t stop ourselves from conjuring up an image of 90s novelty band and slap-head sanctuary Right Said Fred. So already, we’re not paying attention to what you’re saying.

When this advert comes on, I can guarantee you that in not one household does anyone lean in towards the television, thinking “Oooh, this sounds interesting, tell me more!”, or uttering “Oh, I like what they’ve done there. Hand me the phone, Margaret, I’m gonna get me some equiry released!”.

No, we’re thinking “What the fuck have you done to Right Said Fred and why are you doing it on my TV in the middle of Tipping Point?”

But that’s not all. The song Right Said Fred, as you will know, is about three delivery men attempting to deliver an undisclosed object to a property, having to gradually dismantle it to try and get it into the house, which they then manage to part-demolish, before finally giving up. All of this action is, of course, punctuated by numerous tea-breaks.

In other words, it’s a song about failure. And tea. And the working classes. But mostly failure. Why would you want people to see your advert and think of failure? Why, Mr Ad Man, why??

Ahem. Deep breaths.

Still, at least we all know what song we’re going to have pinging around in our heads all day now, eh?

I might see if I can help you with that in a bit. If you’re nice.

In other words: More soon.