The 100 Greatest UK Number 1 Singles #99

This is the series where I feature The Guardian’s idea of the best UK #1s ever, and we see what I have to say about them.

I must say, I was rather taken aback by the positive response to the first post in this series. It may take a little while for me to find my feet with it, so bear with me.

So, here’s what The Guardian had to say about the record that they placed at #99 in their Greatest UK #1 Singles list:

By disavowing the hollow opulence and bloated scale of pop’s reigning class, Lorde accidentally ushered in a brand new one: there would be no Billie Eilish if not for her conspiratorial incantations. While she weathered accusations of appropriation for disavowing hip-hop cliches in her obviously rap-influenced delivery, she ultimately echoed the genre’s own move towards unvarnished portrayals of teenage disaffection instigated by a parallel wave of SoundCloud upstarts. As much a generational bellwether as a pop classic.

I have no idea what much of that means.

Perhaps I should begin by declaring that I already know and love this record, but I had no idea that this had been a UK #1 until I read this, which just goes to show how out of touch I am.

But if you’re going to talk about people she has influenced, then I don’t think you have to look any further than current music journo darlings Christine & The Queens, who have clearly seen a Lorde live show or two. As for the music: well, firstly, this is one cool record, not just in its anti-establishment lyrics, but in its glacial pace, space and echoes; it just glides from start to finish, with Lorde twittering away like a wannabe (slightly less demented) Björk. Secondly, Royals was the name of the brand of cigarettes I used to smoke, which my friend Cath once, memorably referred to as “bus drivers’ fags”, so y’know, there’s that to consider too.

Put it this way: had someone presented me with a list of every UK #1 ever, and I had to pick my favourite 100 – and I think this is how I will judge things, going forwards – then this would be on my list, no question.

Lorde – Royals

More soon.

I’m Not Interested in Anything

It’s a big weekend in the UK.

Firstly, it’s the FA Cup Final, Manchester United v Chelsea.

Yawn. I won’t be watching.

And yes, I am bitter, before you ask.

I was at Wembley with my old mate Richie last weekend for Tottenham’s last “home” game of the season, against former Champions Leicester. It was a quiet, uneventful game:

We have contacts at the club (hello, and thank you Ray!) so at half time we were ushered into the Members and Sponsors Reception Room; a room which punters pay a lot of money to be in at the same time as some ex-players. I needed to go to the Gents, and found myself stood at the urinal between Pat Jennings and Ricky Villa. I’m still not sure if I actually “went” or not – certainly there was stage-fright on my part (but probably not theirs). I suspect that I just nerd-perspired all of the excess liquid that needed to be expunged from my body.

After the match Richie and I were allowed back into the same Reception Room, for Man of the Match and various sponsor presentations. We – having been told it was perfectly okay to do so – spent a happy couple of hours getting photos of us with Spurs legends. As a result, I now have some photos I’ll cherish to the grave: me (and Richie) with Robbie Keane, Pat Jennings, Gary Mabbutt (he’s diabetic, you know) and Ricky Villa, who,  when we were posing for the photo, I must have told about eight times  that he’s the reason I support Spurs (or, more specifically, because of that goal in the 1981 FA Cup Replay against some up and coming whipper-snappers called Manchester City).

What do you mean, what goal? This one:

Anyway, there were a few other ex-players (legends, if you will) that we didn’t approach for photos (Graham Roberts, Micky Hazard, Alan Mullary, Cliff Jones), one that Richie got a selfie with that I was totally gutted on missing out on (Dimitar Berbatov, who looked cool as flip), one who was at the stadium but didn’t come into the reception area we were in or we would have (Gazza, obviously), and the one who got away, the one that we both really wanted a photo of/with, who we asked and who said he’d be back in a moment, but didn’t: Ossie Ardiles. Maybe next time.

I can guarantee you that the FA Cup Final today will have nowhere near as many goals as we saw last weekend. My prediction – with apologies to London Lee if he’s reading this – is 2-1 to United.

I should stress at this point that I have never correctly predicted a score and if you decide to place a bet based on that last statement that’s entirely up to you. Nowt to do with me, guv.

Here’s a record that sums up how I feel about the game today:

Transvision Vamp – Baby I Don’t Care

The other big event of the weekend here in the UK is the trifling matter of a Royal Wedding.

You’ll probably have guessed from previous posts that I’m no fan of the Royals (the family, not the cigarette brand):

Lorde – Royals

It’s another major event that I won’t be watching.

Throughout the week, the media has been obsessed with whether or not Meghan Markle’s father would be at the wedding and whether he would escort her down the aisle and give her away.

Dropping my feminist dungarees and putting aside my thoughts on what “giving the bride away” says about the patriarchal society we live in and the concept of ownership of women within it, with the news that her father will not be in attendance, I made the following observation at work earlier today:

It seems perfectly fair that Meghan’s father isn’t there. After all, Harry’s father hasn’t been invited either.

I think I upset somebody at work with this throwaway quip, for I was informed that a) somebody on Diana’s side of the family has red hair (I’m not sure how that adds anything to the discussion), and b) these days Harry has developed many of the same gestures and mannerisms of Charles, so he must be his son. I decided to let this slide, rather than point out that by that logic Mike Yarwood is his son too.

A tune, I think:

Elastica – Never Here

I’m sort of DJ’ing (I’ll explain the “sort of” later, if I can be bothered) at a friend’s 40th birthday tonight, so that’ll do for now.

More soon.