This Post Should Come With a Government Health Warning

Dazz Band – Let It All Blow

Bobby Conn – Never Get Ahead

Hall & Oates – Private Eyes

Unusual of me, I know, to place one tune right at the start of a post, let alone three, but the topic this morning requires a little decorum, and perhaps a guided hint as to what is to come.

Those of you on social media – especially Twitter – will probably know what I’m alluding to, for it’s been all over it for the past week or so, with matters becoming grubbier over the past couple of days.

Let’s say that today’s post is brought to you by the letters: B, J and

In fact, I don’t need to write anything more, I’ll let satirical magazine Private Eye take up the story, but be warned: do not read on if you are of a nervous disposition, or if you have recently eaten, for the mental image you will have by the end of this is likely to make you revisit your last meal.

Perhaps one more song to settle your stomachs (and drop another clue) before we dive in:

Belle & Sebastian – Step Into My Office Baby

Ok. Have you had your breakfast yet? No? Good.

Then brace yourself:

I mean, there are a million jokes to be written here, right?

But I’m not going to stoop so low.

Or maybe I’ll just save them fellater.

Arctic Monkeys – Suck It And See

At the time of writing, I’ve seen unconfirmed rumours that the MP referred to in the article was none other that Chris Grayling, who you will recall in 2018 managed to award a £13.8m contract to provide additional cross-channel freight capacity in case of a “no-deal” Brexit to a firm with no ferries. If his association with this sordid story is correct, then it just proves the man is so useless he couldn’t even walk into a room without mucking it up.

In entirely unrelated news, the day after this story broke (and by “broke”, I mean “ignored by every single news publication or media outlet except Private Eye and James O’Brien on LBC”), Tory Deputy Chief Whip Chris Pinches, quit his government job by way of a letter on Thursday, saying he had “drunk far too much” and “embarrassed myself and other people”.

It transpires that he had groped two men in a private members’ club. (See, there’s really no need for me to think up any jokes today.)

His timing was impeccable, though, distracting from our…er…proud and glorious leader’s in-office shenanigans in true “dead-cat” style.

One can’t help but wonder if he was the second person instructed to fall on a sword that we learned about this week – his: metaphorical, the other: pork.

(I’m sorry.)

(I’m really not.)

More soon.

Friday Night Music Club

For quite some time now, I’ve been pondering what it is that is preventing me from posting with the same regularity as I was last year.

I’ve worked it out.

Regular readers will know that I generally sit on a Friday night, have a few drinks and write posts for the next week. But for a while now, I’ve become preoccupied on doing a new mix.

Warning: artist at work excuse incoming.

See, whilst they seem remarkably unpopular, I really enjoy piecing together a long playlist/mix/call it what you will, and that inevitably means a few drafts which don’t quite, to quote Echo & The Bunnymen, cut the mustard.

So, I’ve been working on this mix for some time now, but somehow something always seemed to prevent me from finishing it, be it me tinkering with the running order, or thinking of new tunes to toss in, or some kind of technical calamity, or (more often) listening to it and realising I’ve utterly messed up a mix and I simply can’t bear to have anyone else listen to it.

I’m not going to pretend all of the mixes between tunes here are perfect – there’s at least one which I know isn’t – but I’ve reached the point where it’s close enough to let it go and move on to something else, before I drive myself mad searching for perfection.

So here’s my latest mix, imperfect though it may be; frustrating as it has been, I really like this one, which starts off in the usual way – slowly – before getting into a groove which includes Kings of Leon from before they went stadium and knew how to use a cowbell, a new(ish) track by The Chemical Brothers, an obligatory Soulwax remix, two of the finest female pop stars going: Miley Cyrus & Dua Lipa (not on the same tune, sadly), the occasional hidden ‘joke’ (by which I mean it seemed funny when I first put the songs together, less so now), via Madonna having a short chat with Johnny Cash.

It’s the usual mix of songs you love, songs you’ve forgotten about, and songs which make you think “What the hell has he put this on here for??”. Some might say eclectic, but I couldn’t possibly comment. Think mainly Indie guitar stuff, with a few dance tunes, 80s pop songs and a couple of timeless classics – at least one of which you probably won’t have heard before – thrown in.

As always, no track-listing – I like to imagine your faces when the next song kicks in – but there’s a list of featured artists on the right hand side in case you want to see what you’re letting yourself in for. Which is a treat, obviously. If you desperately need to know what a track is, either Shazam it or, if you’d like to feed my ego, ask me via the Comments at the bottom of this post.

Usual disclaimer: any skips and jumps are down to the mixing software; any mis-timed mixes (and, as I say, there is at least one) is down to me. Either way: Sorry!

One more thing: you may recall that last time out I mentioned that my brother had said he managed to predict what I was going to play next, which annoyed me greatly. No such criticism of the last mix, although he told me he listened to it whilst out on his morning run, so some of the sudden gear changes weren’t helpful. I’ve tried to rectify that this time, with a relatively steady beat and tempo maintained throughout (after you’ve got past the traditional slow start) for those of you who listen to this whilst doing your exercises (not that I really understand what that means). The danger was that it would denigrate into either a Ministry of Sound pumping dance mix or a Top Gear/Best Driving Songs…in the World…Ever! playlist, but I think the song choices just about keep us on the right side of that happening.

Let’s say it starts slowly, gets into a groove, and then has more false endings than a Status Quo single.

I’m a bit annoyed that since I first decided to include it, at least on song here has popped up in an advert – and you know how I feel about them – for burgers, of all things. Rest assured, the advert in question was not the inspiration for the song’s inclusion. You’ll know it when you hear it, I think.

Oh and there are several songs which feature effing and jeffings – “sexual swear words” as Simon Bates used to say at the start of videos – so please avoid if you are easily offended by unfettered vulgarity and sauciness. Look, there’s a Goldie Lookin’ Chain tune which is probably the rudest and most inappropriate (but funny) thing I’ll ever post, so beware.

For a limited time (until I do another one, so y’know, could be months), you can stream or download it via Soundcloud here.

More soon.